So here's how it happened.

I got a call from a good friend who needed a bass-player for
a wedding reception, which just happened to be on Christmas eve.

"Hey, you'll get done by 10 O'Clock and be home in time to put together the bikes. I really need you, so you'd be doing me a huge favor.".
I felt kind of bad about playing on a religious holiday....but.....

Ever traveled the highways and hills of Central Pa. on Christmas Eve?
We had, of course a nasty snow storm that night, but it was a wedding,
and I REALLY needed the bux.

After traveling half way, and watching the cars languish in snow banks along
the road, I got a little concerned, but I'd promised, so I was stuck.
I was driving possibly the ugliest car ever designed by the evil geniuses
in Detroit.
A Green Pacer, nicknamed "The Turtle.".

When I reached Ebensburg, on TOP of the mountain....I asked where the
hall was....and had pointed out to me. Pennsylvania's version of a paved Grand Canyon....

Easing my ugly ride to the edge, I of course slid sideways down the hill,
gaining speed and indigestion as I went.
Fortunately, the car piled snow beside it on the way down, and stopped just facing the parking lot.

A very nice red-neck in a very huge monster truck asked me if I needed help, and of course
I thanked him and said, "Sure!".

He violated my ugly car with his big metal version of a lonely 4-wheel drive inmate, and sent it uphill...through the parking lot and out the other side,
where my car parked itself nicely, along the opposite street.

Opening the door, I watched my 1972 Fender Precision bass slide out the giant ugly door, and down the hill, on top of the crusted snow.
No case by the way....
So putting my common sense in my back pocket, I stepped out and followed the guitar down the hill on my back, all the while thinking
UN-Christmasy thoughts.

After climbing up the hill on my knees, one hand cracking through
the snow-crust at a time, and my bass following....I got to the hall.

Going inside, Terry...the guy who called me for the gig....said,
"JEFF! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?".
more UN-Christmasy thoughts.....

"Uh, you called me and begged me to be here, a month ago."

"Didn't I call you and tell you I hired a regular guy, and you didn't have to play?"

So....after playing half the gig...for half the bux...I was on my way home through the ice and drifts....

It wasn't long til I discovered my heat had gone out....and frost was coming out of my defrosters....
OK...I'll deal.....then I noticed visibility was getting poor....
OK headlight out on the drivers' side....

OK...I'll deal.

A few minutes later...hitting rumble strips where there was no exit, I decided to stop and get my bearings, because the snow was blowing
cross-ways across the front of the car, and I could see nothing.
Roll down the window at 17 degrees, to get my bearings..
No big deal...there's no heat anyway....
But the window got stuck half way down....no up...no down....just stuck.
OK...I'll deal.....
More un-Christmasy thoughts....

So I stopped, and opened my door so I could try and see where I was.
The wind immediately changed direction, grabbed my big ugly door,
and slammed it against mt big ugly fender.
Then it slammed it again, tearing it off the hinges, and sliding it up the road, not unlike a big ugly sled.

After I got done staring stupidly, I had more un-Christmasy thoughts.

So here I was, throwing my no-handle-to-grab, big ugly door at my big ugly car, trying to get it to latch....as other cars went by, with drivers and
passengers laughing and pointing at the idiot throwing the big ugly door at the big ugly car....and they could see me well, as the wind died down to nothing, right after violating my car.

I finally got the hatch opened, and got a couple nails out of my tool box,
which I used as replacement hinges.
Got the door on and latched, although there was a gap of about 3
inches at the top, near my head.

Now the fun part...door locked....passenger door frozen shut, and I couldn't get in.
OK...I'll deal....climbed in through the hatch, which I had to then bungie shut...
though it bounced and smacked the whole way home.

So the window was half down, the door gapped, and the heat was dead, but I was moving.
After driving, and scraping my windshield every mile or so, from the inside....I noticed a flopping sound.... Yep.
Flat tire on the front passenger side.
More un-Christrmasy thoughts.....

I pulled into Altoona, Pa...17 miles from the hall...2 hours after I left...
Freezing and shivering, in my one-eyed, peg-leg, heatless monstrosity of a car, stopping at a friends house.
Mike is a mechanic and recommended junking it....
but he put in some fix-a-flat...some antifreeze and recommended I go home quickly.
"You shouldn't have been playing on a religious holiday! It's bad luck!"
"That's a butt-ugly car anyway.", he said.

Drinking some coffee he gave me for the road, I scalded my tongue to the point of not tasting Christmas dinner the next day.
Of course, I jerked from the scalding, spilling the liquid fire all over my lap.
VERY Un-Christmasy thoughts!

When I got up on Christmas morning, there was a message from the band with a request to play another gig with them.
I turned it down flat.

It's on Valentines Day, and I'm not taking any chances!

Just thought I'd share that with my friends here....

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