GhostlyTalk and Trinity
Science are excited to announce a new Open Remote
Viewing Project IV.  The project will adhere to strict
scientific guidelines and procedures, and anybody can participate.

We would like you to
participate in this project.  It is all free!!  If
you are not familiar, you can get all the info on the page on the
Ghostly Talk site at:

http://www.ghostlytalk.com/node/1510

Your participation
would be greatly appreciated!!! -Scott L. :)

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In
honor of Ghostly Talk’s upcoming trip
to UNIV-CON, I thought I would dust off this little gem I wrote a couple of
years ago. We have the honor of
sponsoring the one and only Doug Bradley
at this years event! If you do not know Doug Bradley, he plays “Pinhead” in the
Hellraiser series. To some of you this is no biggie, but to us
it is a huge honor and a dream come true.



A couple of years a go I was on this obsessive/cult-like kick for the Hellraiser
films. I have never really been a huge
horror film fanatic, but there were a few that really took my heart (no pun
intended) growing up. Hellraiser was one of them. The Hellraiser
series was different in my opinion from all of the cut 'em up/slasher films
because:



1) The same formula was/is never followed from film to film. Each one has a
totally different feel while still retaining the same hellish vibe.



2) The Cenobites, in my opinion, are the sickest monsters ever created.



3) Clive Barker rocks the mullet!



4) Pinhead, in my opinion, is the most well spoken monster of all time. He is a
poet really. For example, a scene from "Hellraiser 4: Bloodline":



"Temptation is worthless princess, suffering is the coin of the realm.
I will seek out your human Merchant and show him the beauty of suffering. I
will buy his gift with a bounty of pain!"



Class man, class.....



To quench my thirst for anything Hellraiser a couple of years ago, I even
got into some real great writing in the form of Hellraiser Fan Fiction
late at night when I was working midnights at the office. To be honest, this is
the first fan fiction I had every really gotten into. I usually make fun of fan
fiction, but for some reason I was having a ball reading this stuff.



So, as I was getting ready for work one night, I was trying to think of what I
was going to do that night to waste time. Then it hit me!! Hellraiser Fan Fiction.
Yes, I could write my own Hellraiser Fan Fiction
story!!



So I hope you enjoy my one, and probably only attempt at writing fan fiction:

Ghostly
Talk In Hell



A Hellraiser Fan Fiction Story By

Scott W. Lambert

scottl@ghostlytalk.com

::It's
a dark night back in the farmlands of Michigan.
All is calm on the plain, the wind is cool, the moon is full in the sky and
bright, illuminating the tree lines that compile the forests. A calm breeze
brushes along the tree line swaying the mighty embers too and fro, over and
over again. From the distance a small set of headlights can be seen
approaching. No one ever comes out to this area anymore now that most farming
in these parts has moved South, so this is an odd sight. As the headlights move
closer up the trail, we see it is a small white automobile weighed down with 3
portly individuals. The small automobile comes to a sudden stop and the doors
fly open. A short, yet very handsome long haired young man hops out of the
passengers side::



Short, yet very handsome long haired young man: "Jesus Christ
Doug!!! You damn near put my head through the windshield again!!!"



::Another man of the same build of the first hops out of the drivers side::



Doug: "Sorry Scott L.....Will told me to stop right here
though."

Scott L: "That's fine man, but have you ever heard of a thing
called "breaking distance"?"

Doug: "Yeah, Yeah, Yeah" ::filling up his travel mug with
fresh Diet Pepsi::



::Another man emerges prying himself from the back seat of the little car.
He is much taller than the other 2 and resembles Abraham Lincoln::



Will: "Alright guys, this has got to be the place."

Scott L: "You said that at the last five places we stopped at out
in these sticks man!"

Will: "Did Not!!"

Scott L: "Did So!!"

Will: "Did Not!!"

Scott L: "Did So!!"

Will: "Did Not!!"

Scott L: "Did So!!"

Will: "Did Not!!"

Scott L: "Did So!!"

Doug: ::Throwing an empty pack of cigarettes at the other 2::
"Alright, shut up dudes, you are acting like a couple of 12 year
olds!"

Scott L: "Am Not!!"

Doug: "Am So!!"

Scott L: "Am Not!!"

Doug: "Am So!!"

Scott L: "Am Not!!"

Doug: "Am So!!"

Scott L: "Am Not!!"

Doug: "Am So!!"



::The bitch-ass back and forthing is interrupted by the faint sound a child
wailing from what sounded far away::



Will: "What was that man?!"

Doug: "Sounded like a child."

Scott L: "Prolly just some kids partying somewhere. Hopefully far
away, cause we have work to do."

Doug and Will: "RIGHT!!"



::The trio of ghosthunters start to unpack their gear from the trunk of the
little car which consisted of numerous camera bags, cartons of cigarettes, and
skid of Diet Pepsi 2 liters::



Doug: "Hey Will, where is that map at??"

Will: "Oh, I got it right here man."



::Will pulls out a weathered piece of paper that is folded up, unfolds it,
and spreads it across the hood of the little car::



Scott L: "Whose Great Grandparents did you get this from man?"

Will: "Oh, some crackhead in Detroit
gave it to me in exchange for a cigarette."

Scott L: ::Looks at Doug:: "Oh great, we are going to be
chasing the ghost of crack past! Did this crackhead tell you what the map was
about after you guys made your transaction?

Will: "Yeah man, he said that this map leads to a burial vault back
in these woods....."

Doug: ::Interrupting:: ".....and there's treasure in
them?!?!?!"

Will: "Uh....No."

Scott L: "Ancient artifacts?"

Will: "Uh....No."

Doug: "Shrunken head?"

Will: "Uh....No."

Scott L: "72 Virgins?"

Will: "Uh....No."

Doug: "Well, what's in them then man?"

Will: "Bodies you idiots!!! We can check the vaults out if you
want. The real kicker is this place is supposed to be haunted an apparition
that will give you some box if you happen to catch a glimpse of it."

Doug and Scott L: "Huh?"

Will: "If you happen to make eye contact with the apparition, it
will float away and out of site, but it will leave you a present for having
such quick and cunning eyes."

Doug: "So what you are saying is we drove 3 hours to try and make
eye contact wit ha ghost that will give us a ???ing box if we do??!! What kind
of box is it??

Scott L: "Is this box part of a 17 year old blonde Scandinavian
underwear model by any chance??"



::Giggling ensures::



::A few minutes later we find the trio of ghosthunters trudging through the
woods::



Scott L: "Where the ??? is this place Will?"

Will: "We are almost there." ::under his breath::
"I think."

Doug: "Guys, if you see a spider, let me know so I can ???ing kill
it. That is, after I set it on fire of course, and then dump kerosene on it
when the fire dulls."

Will: "Wuss!"

Doug: "Shut up!!"



::After what seems an eternity, the trio finally hit a small clearing. They
look around for a minute and then walk up to 3 large, what look to be, carved
stones in the center of the clearing.::





Scott L: "Exquisite ???ing rocks Will. Remind me to drop a
computer monitor on your head sometime when we get home ok?"

Doug: "I dunno, these rocks seem real out of place here. They seem
to be the only hand carved things for miles. It's almost as if they were just
dropped here one day or something.

Will: "Yeah man, they don't look like the have "settled"
into the area if you know what I mean?"

Scott L: "I guess so. They are also Granite, I didn't know this
part had granite as a native stone?"

Doug: ::Doing a Samuel L. Jackson impersonation:: "Whoa,
look at the big brain on Scott L?!?!"

Will: "He He. Seriously, he is right though Doug. Never seen
granite here before."



::The trio start to inspect the stones closely. Will, who is looking at the
center stone, feels with his hands what feels like letters carved into the
front of the huge carved rock. He clears away some of the mud on it to reveal a
name.::



Will: "Xipe Totec. Xipe Totec?"

Scott L: "What you find man?"

Will: "A name on this thing."



::Scott L comes over and inspects the lettering::



Scott L: "Whoa, so I guess there are tombs out here after
all!"



::Doug walks over to the stone now::



Doug: "Whoa! Cool. Who is Xipe Totec?"

Will: "Hell if I know man."

Scott L: "Goofy ass name man. Interesting though."



::Suddenly, the trio's concentration on the stone is broken by a rustling in
the bushes behind them::



Doug: "What was that?

Scott L: "Will, go check it out."

Will: ::Looks down at Scott L:: "Why do I have to go and
check it out?"

Scott L: "Cause you're the biggest. If it is some grizzly bear or
something, it is more likely to run in fear of your big Nordic looking ass than
mine or Doug's."

Doug: "How about we all go?"

Scott L and Will: "Okay."



::The trio slowly walk up to the bush and start pushing it aside. They walk
into the brush pointing their flashlights in front of them. They move in.....::



Doug: ::Looking behind himself and whispering:: "You see
anything?"

Will: ::whispering:: "Nothing except your big ???ing
melon."

Scott L: ::whispering:: "He He He He"

Will: ::whispering:: "You hear that?"

Scott L: ::whispering:: "Hear what?"

Will: ::whispering:: "Sounds like something is sliding
through the trees and bushes in front of us."

Doug: ::whispering::"Damn, it could be a Tiger or
something."

Scott L: ::loud whispering::"There are no Tiger's in Michigan you
nimrod!"



::A branch cracks loudly right in front of them. The trio freezes still
after a few moments Doug decides to try to break the ice with whatever was in
front of them that they could not see with their flashlights::



Doug: "Hey Dude......Anyone there? I'm Doug of Ghostly Talk.



::In that instant, a flash of bright light appears in front of them. It is a
blinding light, yet it can still be looked into for some reason. The trio just
stares in silence, except for Scott L::



Scott L: ::Grabs onto Will:: "FUUUUUUCK!!!!!!



::The bright light fades as sudden as it lit up. Will knocks Scott L off of
him and looks at Doug::



Will: "What the ??? was that?"

Doug: ::Shaking his head:: "I have no clue."

Scott L: "Damn dude, maybe it was a helicopter or a search light or
something."

Will: "I didn't hear anything though, all I saw was the
light."

Doug and Scott L: ::Agreeing:: "Yeah...."



::The trio of Ghosthunters turn around to go back to the clearing::



Scott L: "Owwww!!"

Doug: "What?!"

Scott L: "I just tripped on something." ::Looks down on the
ground:: "Dude! Look at this!"



::The other 2 look down to the ground to see a small gold and wooden box.
Scott L picks it up::



Scott L: ::Looks down on the ground:: "That was not here
when we walked through here a second ago."

Will: "You sure?"

Scott L: "Dude, we just turned around and took 3 ???ing steps and
I damn near break my neck tripping over this thing. One of you guys would have
prolly saw it when we were walking in if it was here before.

Doug: "Weird, lets go back to the clearing, have a smoke, and check
it out."

Will and Scott L: "Woooooord."



::A couple of minutes later, the trio is back at the clearing passing the
box around and examining it with cigarettes hanging out of their mouths::



Doug: "Looks like a box to me. Damn Will! Looks like this is the
real McCoy here!

Scott L: "No kidding man, unless we are getting ???ed with real
good by some of the locals."

Will: "I dunno man, when that light appeared, did you smell the
air? It smelled like rotten meat or something."

Doug: "That is just Scott L's aftershave."

Scott L: "Oyyy, ??? you funnyman!"

Doug: ::Sipping his travel mug full of Diet Pepsi:: "He He
He!!"

Will: "Wonder what this thing does?"

Scott L: "I think it would do well sitting in my living room."

Will: "What you mean YOUR living room?"

Scott L: "I'm the one who found it, by all rights I should keep it.
I mean shit, it would have prolly killed me if I tripped over it completely.

Will: "You wuss!! I'm the one who got us out here, by all rights I
should have it."

Scott L: "That's stupid man, give it here!"



::A struggle ensues as the 2 start tugging on each end of the box cursing at
each other while Doug stands to the side and shaking his head::



Scott L: "Come on man, gimme it!!"

Will: "No way man, it's mine!!"



::The 2 struggled over the box for a few minutes, both gripping and
regripping, each try to get a grip in one of the boxes detailed carvings to
strip it from one another. Suddenly a charge of electricity went through the
box and lit it up, it seemed to just jump from Will and Scott L's hands. The
box landed on the ground and a low rumbling sound could be heard, getting
closer.......getting closer. A bluish light slowly began to pierce through the
trees at the trio::



Doug: ::Calmly looks at Will and Scott L:: "What did you 2
assholes do?"

Scott L and Will: ::Looking at each other with their hands in the
air:: "Duh, uh, uh, uh, duh, uh, uh......"



::The three looked towards the source of the light through the trees until
they could see what appeared to be 3 figures coming towards them through the
trees from the light::



Will: "Holy ???ing shit man!!! Aliens!!!

Scott L: "Oh Christ, I don't want to be anal probed!!"

Doug: "Duh, uh, uh, uh, duh, uh, uh......"



::The three ghosthunters stood in shock as the three figures coming out of
the light got closer. Finally, the unknowns brushed the bushes aside and walked
into the clearing. The one to the left was morbidly obese and wearing
sunglasses. He/It had a what seemed to be forced smile on his/its face as it
seemed to continuously sweat with its tongue licking his/its cracked and
chapping lips. There was a cutaway in his/its leather robe/garb that seemed to
be sewn to his/its skin exposing his/its belly and a massive slit down the
center of his/its belly that he/it was playing with as it stared at the trio.
The one on the right appeared to be female. Her/Its eyes were bulging out of
her/its face and she/it was as pale white as a cloud. There seemed to be some
kind of wire configuration that went between her/its upper and lower jaw,
pierced the cheeks and then came down spreading the skin over her/its throat
and exposing it. The one in the middle was the most grotesque looking of the
three: pale white like the female, but his/its whole head had pins stuck in it
in what looked to be an orderly pattern. The three misshapen strangers just
stood there for a moment and stared at the trio of ghosthunters. After what
seemed to be an eternity of this staring match, Will decided to try to break
the ice::



Will: "Hey there! Uh.....yeah, so like is there a rave club around
here or something?"



::A gurgle came out of the fat stranger on the left. Doug, being the
diplomat out of the bunch, decided to try to talk to the strangers::



Doug: "Hello, I am Doug of Ghostly
Talk. This is Scott L, he is the co-host of Ghostly Talk ::Scott L nervously grins
and waves::. This is Will, he is our sound guy on Ghostly Talk. We are here for research
purposes only. We are here to observe and lea.....



::Doug is cut off by a thunderous voice from the stranger in the middle with
pins in his/its head::



Stranger in the middle with pins in his/its head: "SILENCE CHILD!!
YOU OPENED THE BOX WE CAME!! YOU MUST NOW COME WITH US!!

Scott L: "Where we going man??"

Stranger in the middle with pins in his/its head: "TO
HELL!!!!!"

Will: "Oh gawd no!!!!! Nooooooooo!!! Not Starbucks!!!!

Stranger in the middle: "SILENCE!!! ::breaks out of character::
"What's Starbucks?"

Scott L: "Oh man, it's this shitty overpriced coffee chain that is
growing like a virus across America.
Friggin' never pay that much for coffee!!"

Stranger in the middle with pins in his/its head: "How much do they
charge for this.....coffee......you say?"

Scott L: "Like 4 or five bucks a cup!!"

Stranger in the middle with pins in his/its head: ::Thunder cracks in
the background:: "This is just a liquid in a "cup""

Scott L: "Yeah man!"

Stranger in the middle with pins in his/its head: ::Growling::
"I WILL TEAR ALL OF THEIR SOULS APART!!!"

Scott L: ::Cowering:: "Sweeeeet..."

Stranger in the middle with pins in his/its head: "IN GOOD TIME
THOUGH, NOW YOU MUST COME WITH US TO HELL! YOU WILL TASTE OUR PLEASURES, REVEL
IN YOUR PAIN, WE WILL BECOME ONE!!



::The trio of ghosthunters shiver looking at each other as the three
strangers in front of them let out a thunderous, sadistic laugh::



Doug: "Ok, ok, ok....we will go. How about one last smoke
though?"

Stranger in the middle with pins in his/its head: ::Tips his/its head
in consideration:: "YOU MAY PARTAKE IN THIS ONE LAST MORTAL RITUAL MY
CHILDREN, BUT THEN YOUR FLESH WILL BURN THE STENCH OF A THOUSAND DEAD SOULS
THAT WILL BE LENGENDARY EVEN IN HELL!!"



Will: "Uh....Cool?"



::The trio of ghosthunters pull out their cigarettes, each lighting one up.
An uncomfortable moment of silence comes between everyone in the clearing as
the trio smoke their tobacco. Scott L decides to try to break the tension while
they finish their smokes::



Scott L: "So, like....it's your job to come out of the light thingy
back their when someone plays with this box?"



::The female looking stranger speaks with a thunderous roar::



Female Looking Stranger: "WE ARE EXPLORERS IN THE FURTHER REGIONS
OF EXPERIENCE. DEMONS TO SOME. ANGELS TO OTHERS. WE SERVE THE GOD LEVIATHAN,
THE GOD OF ORDER WHO SEEKS TO DESTROY ALL CHAOS AND TAME THE FLESH!!"

Doug: "That sounds like an neat job! You must get to meet a lot of
real interesting people!!"

Stranger in the middle with pins in his/its head: ::Relaxing a bit::
"Well, yes, it normally is somewhat interesting. But it gets a bit
monotonous at times." Eon in and eon out of the same souls saying the same
thing when they open the box and we come; "PLEASE CENOBITES!!!! TAKE ME TO
HELL, I WANT YOUR PLEASURES!!!! It can get, how would you mortals say,
"boring" at times. You 3 seem different though."

Scott L: ::Pondering:: "Cenobites huh? That is a sweet name
man!! That would be a real cool name for a band!!"
Stranger in the middle with pins in his/its head:
"Band?"

Scott L: "Yeah, you know, a group of mortals who play music. You do
know what music is don't you?"

Stranger in the middle with pins in his/its head: "I have heard
this "music" you talk about. A few abductions ago, this mortal was
listening to this "music" and he kept screaming
"SSSSLLLLLLLLLLLLAYYYYYYER" over and over again as I pierced his skin
with giant hooks and dragged him into hell."

Scott L: "Oh Dude!!! Slayer ???ing rules man!! You better tell me
you liked it man!! Don't make me ??? you up!! ::smiles::



::All three of the Cenobites let out a thunderous, hearty laugh that shook
the ground, the trio of ghosthunters looked at each other and started to laugh
with them::



Stranger in the middle with pins in his/its head: "Yes, I did find
this "music" painful and therefore I did enjoy it.

Will: "Dude....that's it man!! You guys got the whole entrance
thing wrong. I mean you guys are scary as hell and all, but it is a little too
mysterious. I think you would shit people right up if right after they open the
box they hear nothing but a chorus of "Angel of Death" as you guys
are walking in from that light thingy. That is my favorite Slayer song, and
dude, it is like your guy’s theme song from what I can see!!"

Stranger in the middle with pins in his/its head: ::Pondering::
"You think so?"

Scott L: "Oh yeah man, I agree with Will. That would just be sick
man!!"

Stranger in the middle with pins in his/its head: "You mortals
intrigue me...."





::Three hours later::





::Doug is talking to the Cenobite with pins all over his/its head::



Doug: ".......yeah, so all you need to do is just get a wireless
router from Microcenter and take it with you back to hell. I will hook you up
with a real cheap laptop equipped with everything you will need. All you need
to do is just dial into my router and that should get you up on the net! Then
you can listen to Ghostly Talk!!"



::The Cenobite with pins all over his/its head smiles pondering all the S
& M porn he can download::



::Scott L is sitting by a tree with the fat, sweaty Cenobite::





Scott L: ".....yeah, so I like all of Anthrax's stuff, even with John Bush
singing. But in my opinion, the first Exodus
album is the blueprint for speed metal man."



::The fat, sweaty Cenobite smiles and nods with a groan of approval::



Will: "....No way!!! I think you would look great with nice long
brown hair!!"

Female Cenobite: "Well maybe, but Leviathan don't like hair on its
Cenobites for some reason."

Will: "Oh, you gotta be kidding, it would totally bring out the
blacks in your eyes! Scott L, do you think she would look good with long, brown
hair?!"

Scott L: ::Yelling from across the way:: "Oh, hell yeah
man!!! That would be hot!!!"



::The female Cenobites giggled childishly and her/its pale white skin turned
a shade of pink on her/its cheeks::



::The Cenobite with pins in his/its hand stands up::



Cenobite with pins all over his/its head: "I HAVE ENJOYED
CONVERSING WITH YOU MORTALS, BUT IT IS NOW TIME TO COME, TO COME TO HELL!!! YOU
WILL BE OUR SERVANTS!! YOU HAVE PROVED TO BE MOST USEFULL TO US IN THE OUTER
REALMS OF EXPERIENCE!"

Doug: "Awwww, I was really enjoying our conversation Pinhead. I
caaan, call you "Pinhead" right?



::Pinhead nods in approval::



Doug: "Here's an idea though. I think we could be much more useful
out here. Just hear me out ok? Now, we do a fairly popular paranormal, internet
talk radio show right? Well, we can do some seriously good promotion for you
guys here with the mortals!! We can convince them that Leviathan is the way and
to seek the Cenobites, all that shit right?"

Pinhead: ::Ponders again:: "GO ON."

Doug: "So we do that all the time right. Along with that I know
about a hundred souls that I would be glad to turn over to you guys right now!!
I'm sure Will and Scott L have even more!"



::Will and Scott L nod::



Pinhead: "THIS INTRIGUES US!"

Scott L: "Hell man, we will even have you on the show for an
interview if you want Pinhead!!"

Pinhead: "You would have me on for an interview?"

Doug: "Oh yeah, I think it would make for a very interesting
show!!"



::The Cenobites look questioningly at one another for a couple of minutes,
and nod to one another::



Pinhead: "THIS WILL SUFFICE! WE WILL LET YOU GO BACK WITH THE
MORTALS TO SPREAD THE WORD OF LEVIATHAN! YOU WILL TEACH THEM OUR DESIRES, TEACH
THEM OF THE FLESH!!"



::The trio of ghosthunters look at each other::



Doug, Scott L, and Will: "Cool!"



::A light begins to shine behind the Cenobites with a thunderous roar. The
Cenobites turn to walk towards it::





Will: "Hey Lady!!"



::The Female Cenobite turns around::





Will: "What?!" No hug?!?!?"



::The Female Cenobite walks to Will and gives him a big hug. While pulling
away, Will hangs his arm on one of the hundreds of hooks hanging off of the
female Cenobites leather clad garb::



Will: "OOOOOWWWWWWWW!!"

Female Cenobite: ::Put hand over her/its mouth:: "Sorry...."

Will: ::Holding his arm:: "Awwww, it's ok"

Scott L: "Hey Butterball!!!"



::The fat, sweaty Cenobite turns around::



Scott L: "You think I could nab one of those knives off of your
apron as a souvenir, it would look great hanging on the wall in my bedroom, and
it looks like you have plenty to spare!"



::The fat, sweaty Cenobite nods and grunts with approval handing Scott L one
of his/its 15 inch serrated, hooked hunting knives::



Scott L: "Sweeet, thanks Butterball!!"

Pinhead: "WE WILL MEET AGAIN SOON MORTALS!! WE WILL MEET AGAIN TO
EXPERIENCE THE FLESH OF YOUR ENEMIES AND TO COME FOR OUR INTERVIEW ON GHOSTLY
TALK!!"

Doug: "No problem! I will get a date ready and cast it down the
portal of hell to you. We need to get you that laptop and router so I can just
e-mail you!!

Pinhead: "THAT WOULD PLEASE ME!"

Doug: "Ok Pinhead, CALL ME!!!!"



::The Cenobites walk to the light and moments later the light goes dim as
the ground stops shaking::



Doug: "What nice Demons!"

Scott L: "I'll prolly agree with that as soon as my ass is
contracted again."

Will: "Well hey man, we have another guest lined up for Ghostly
Talk though now!!"

Scott L: "Yup, and only needed to sell out the human race to get
it!!"

Doug, Scott L, and Will: "Kick Ass!!"

Will: "Well, I think it is time we leave before anything else from
hell tries to snatch us up here. I am thirsty for something else besides Diet
Pepsi also!!"

Scott L: "Agreed, grab that box thing and we will stop at a
Starbucks on the way home! Heheheheheheheheh!!"

Doug: ::Grinning:: "Don't mind if I do."

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Scott L's Guide To Conducting A Haunted House Investigation....

**Originally Written On Thursday, November 06, 2003

I thought I would share part #3 in my series of satirical discourses I wrote a couple of years ago. Remember, This is a satirical discourse. So please do not actually do any of this stuff!!! :) :)

Ahhhhhh, a haunted house.......As my partner Doug "Foshizlemuahfizzletizzlenizzle" Semig says, "The Holy Grail Of Ghost Hunting". There is nothing quite as exhilarating as getting access to someone’s private property which has been said to have paranormal activity (legally or not). But there are a lot of things you and your crew of "hawd-coe" ghost hunters consisting of your crippled brother, girlfriend/boyfriend and that bum that hangs out at the gas station down the street are going to have to prepare for and be ready for in order to execute and complete a successful investigation of a creepy, spooky, haunted house......

1) First thing you are going to want to do is get the "411" (that's information, to you less-hip folks) on the purposed location most likely given to your Sister's friend's Father's Uncle who used to mow the yard of someone's Grandmother who used to live there. Make sure your information is reliable. A good way to test this is by probing the person relaying this information to you. Here is a good example of how the conversation should go to illustrate what I am talking about:

--------------------------------

Shit-heel Location Informant: "Dude!! You have to check out this place I heard about man!!!"

You: "Why? What is up with it?"

Shit-heel Location Informant: "Dude!! Like, it is totally crazy in there!! My buddy heard about this empty house, so he took his girlfriend there to #$^!#$^$ and as they were drinking some beers a piece of the ceiling tile fell on the other side of the room and scared the hell out of them. The place is haunted I tell you!!

You: "Where is it at?!?! Let's Go!!"

--------------------------------

As you can see, in-depth probing of the informant will gather you enough information as to weather the place may be truly haunted or just an old dilapidated house not worthy of investigation.

2) The next step would be to consider or not to consider getting permission to enter and/or go on the property in question. To learn how to follow the standard channels and legally try to enter private property, read on. To say $#^$#! it, and just break into the place, please go to article no. 3.

_

_

_

_

Well, I see you are a total lame ass because you wanna actually read on here and try to "legally" get permission to investigate someone's property. Where are your balls?? You call yourself a true ghost hunter?? What?! Aren't you man enough to kick in a few doors? Who gives a damn anyway? It is not your property. Go to article no. 3 before I set your malnourished cat on fire and kick your parents.

3) Chances are, even if you try to contact the owners of the property that the, in most cases, abandoned house is on, they will tell you to piss off after you tell them what you would like to do. They do not want the word of a haunting on their property if they are trying to sell it. Who needs them, just go there anyway one night and check the place out. Look for the weak spots that you can get in easily, if you can't find any, just kick the ???ing door in. Like, I said.....who cares? It is not your property anyway.

4) Once you manage to get access to the place, you will wanna do a "search and destroy" or in the militaries constant struggle to water down our language "clean and sweep" of the property to chase out any rats, stray dogs or cats, sheep, or crack heads that may be squatting on the premises. They need to go ASAP, because they can get in the way and they can also contaminate the "conclusive evidence that dust will float in the air if a group of people stomp through an abandoned house" your cameras will be picking up while you all hide out back smoking cigarettes.

5) You are going to want to thoroughly explore the house for "hot or cold spots" or odd smells. You may or may not find these. If you do, please refer to rule .3 in my "Guide To Joining A Ghost Hunting And Paranormal Research Group". If you do not, just brew up a nice juicy fart and that should cover the "hot spot" and the "odd smell", again, refer back to rule .3 in my "Guide To Joining A Ghost Hunting And Paranormal Research Group" after you have executed the nice juicy fart.

You are going to want to use extreme caution while exploring the premises. Years of weathering, natural or not, will leave an abandoned house in shambles which also leaves a lot of things to trip over, poke an eye out, or impale yourself on, so be careful!!! Same rules apply though; if you see something blocking your path, just kick it out of the way. It is not yours anyway, so who cares, and it also makes you look real buff in front of the ladies. :)

6) It is very important to note that regardless of the fact that this house has been abandoned, and the windows have been knocked out for umpteen billion years, exposing itself to the natural elements of rain, snow, and other natural disasters, how strange it is how everything is so "old" looking.

7) In the course of the investigation you may come across an article such as a shoe, or an old doll for example that would look great on the hood of the car on cinder blocks in your front yard. Feel free to take any articles you want from the premises. You already have committed breaking and entering; you might as well commit burglary too.

8) From the montage of rustling and sounds of breaking glass, you may get the attention of a nosey neighbor around the vicinity of the investigation who may call the police after seeing what looks to be a rave going on inside of the abandoned house from the constant flickering of flashing lights, and try to ruin your good time.....I mean serious paranormal investigation. Chances are, you are going to be too pre-occupied with trying to figure out how the night vision works on the stolen camera you just got from Bruno's pawnshop to notice the Cops "rollin up on yo azz", so you are going to have to figure out your course of action after you hear a loud speaker outside saying "COME OUT OF THE HOUSE WITH YOUR HANDS UP!" Here is a list of possible things you and your subordinates can do to get out of the "hot water" so to say:

--A) Explain to the cops that you are part of an elite anti-terrorist group and you were making sure that this house was not being used to harbor terrorists.

--B) Grab your girlfriend and explain some evil troll kidnapped her and brought her here, you were simply rescuing the woman you love with the help of your friends.

--C) Scoop up the crack head you beat up upon entering the house and offer him as a trade for your freedom.

--D) Take the same crack head and plant the eighth of weed you were going to smoke down after the investigation on him, then announce a citizens arrest.

--E) Try tossing out the name of a cop you partied with 4 years ago from God knows what jurisdiction hoping someone knows him/her.

--F) Rub dirt all over yourself and as you come out say "You guys are too late! We just put the fire out!"

--G) Take your chances and run like hell, hoping you do not get caught and the camera crew from "COPS" is not following behind the officers.

Follow these guidelines and rest assured, you will be collecting evidence of paranormal occurrences like Hugh Hefner collects panties. If the inevitable does happen though, at least you will have plenty of ghost hunting equipment to trade in return for your life or precious anal virginity during your stay at one of our countries fine concrete country clubs.

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Scott L's guide to starting your own Ghost Hunting and Paranormal Research Group......

**Originally Written On Sunday, October 19, 2003

I thought I would share part #2 in my series of satirical discourses I wrote a couple of years ago. There is also an audio version of this discourse. It can be downloaded HERE. Remember, This is a satirical discourse. So please do not actually do any of this stuff!!! :) :)

Welcome to Part Two of Scott L's series of instructional compositions to assist the amateur ghost hunter or paranormal enthusiast in the decisions they will make while trying to prove the existence of the afterlife or whatever crackbrain theory, belief, or drug induced revelation your cult leader has uploaded into your CPU this week.

7) Repeat steps 4 through 6 until you are left all by yourself or the group dissolves. Just always remember; it is your group and you will run it your way. Also, don't forget to have fun!!!!!

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Scott L's Guide to Joining a Ghost Hunting and Paranormal Research Group.........

**Originally Written On Friday, October 03, 2003

I thought I would share this first in a series of satirical discourses I wrote a couple of years ago.  There is also an audio version of this discourse.  It can be downloaded HERE.  Remember, This is a satirical discourse. So please do not actually do any of this stuff!!! :) :)

Hey there guys, and if you're not guys that would prolly make you girls, so hello guys and girls! A lot of people ask me, "Scott L, how can I get myself into an active ghost hunting group, that goes on hunts, does research, and basically be as cool as you?". Well, there is a lot too that. There are a lot of things you wanna look at and observe before you sign your soul over to the certified nut job or full blown crack addict who elected himself President of the club you are pledging yourself too. The best thing to do is go on a ghost hunt with the group you are interested in and see what they are all about, so-to-say. Here are some things you will want to look for:

1) As an observer, the first thing you want to note of is the group’s leadership. Watch how the self-appointed President treats the other members. Here is what you want to look for in a good leader:

Look for these things and you can be confident that you will be joining a group with flawless leadership and no skeletons to find out about in the future.

2) Everything you see and hear is a ghost, without a doubt! You want to belong to a group that has already decided before they put their foot in a cemetery that the afterlife is real.

3) Carrying on rule # 2, when you see or hear a ghost, you want to make sure that everyone you are with including the people driving by the cemetery know that you saw or heard one. So let them know in the most dramatic way possible, this will convince them that there is a ghost around and a million flashes will go off at the same time blinding and killing any forest animals within a ten mile radius.

4) Remember, this is a serious investigation. Things are going to need to be organized and quiet; so bring as many people as possible. You see if there is a group of 25 people giggling, smoking cigarettes, and talking about how scared they are at the top of their lungs, the ghosts will try to be louder to get your attention and possibly manifest themselves as an apparition in front of you.

5) Make sure all of the members bring their cell-phones with them to call their friends at the kegger they are missing to say "You won't believe where I'm at right now!"

6) There is only one kind of flashlight, million candle illuminators. These are the only thing to use in a place of rest and serenity such as a cemetery. Remember, If you can't land a helicopter with it, you can't ghost hunt with it.

7) Make sure when going out on an adventurous night of ghost hunting that everyone attending drives separately. This way, when the police drive by the cemetery you are investigating at 1 in the morning and see a sight resembling Joe's Used Car Lot, they are assured that a group has assembled to guard the cemetery from evil wrong-doers who wish to come in the cemetery for a night of urinating on, licking, and humping the tombstones located there.

If you watch out closely for these things while pledging different ghost hunting groups, rest assured you will find yourself in a world class investigation unit, worthy of global attention for outstanding documentation and ethics in paranormal investigations. Good Luck!!!

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