Scott L's Guide to Joining a Ghost Hunting and Paranormal Research Group.........

**Originally Written On Friday, October 03, 2003

I thought I would share this first in a series of satirical discourses I wrote a couple of years ago.  There is also an audio version of this discourse.  It can be downloaded HERE.  Remember, This is a satirical discourse. So please do not actually do any of this stuff!!! :) :)

Hey there guys, and if you're not guys that would prolly make you girls, so hello guys and girls! A lot of people ask me, "Scott L, how can I get myself into an active ghost hunting group, that goes on hunts, does research, and basically be as cool as you?". Well, there is a lot too that. There are a lot of things you wanna look at and observe before you sign your soul over to the certified nut job or full blown crack addict who elected himself President of the club you are pledging yourself too. The best thing to do is go on a ghost hunt with the group you are interested in and see what they are all about, so-to-say. Here are some things you will want to look for:

1) As an observer, the first thing you want to note of is the group’s leadership. Watch how the self-appointed President treats the other members. Here is what you want to look for in a good leader:

Look for these things and you can be confident that you will be joining a group with flawless leadership and no skeletons to find out about in the future.

2) Everything you see and hear is a ghost, without a doubt! You want to belong to a group that has already decided before they put their foot in a cemetery that the afterlife is real.

3) Carrying on rule # 2, when you see or hear a ghost, you want to make sure that everyone you are with including the people driving by the cemetery know that you saw or heard one. So let them know in the most dramatic way possible, this will convince them that there is a ghost around and a million flashes will go off at the same time blinding and killing any forest animals within a ten mile radius.

4) Remember, this is a serious investigation. Things are going to need to be organized and quiet; so bring as many people as possible. You see if there is a group of 25 people giggling, smoking cigarettes, and talking about how scared they are at the top of their lungs, the ghosts will try to be louder to get your attention and possibly manifest themselves as an apparition in front of you.

5) Make sure all of the members bring their cell-phones with them to call their friends at the kegger they are missing to say "You won't believe where I'm at right now!"

6) There is only one kind of flashlight, million candle illuminators. These are the only thing to use in a place of rest and serenity such as a cemetery. Remember, If you can't land a helicopter with it, you can't ghost hunt with it.

7) Make sure when going out on an adventurous night of ghost hunting that everyone attending drives separately. This way, when the police drive by the cemetery you are investigating at 1 in the morning and see a sight resembling Joe's Used Car Lot, they are assured that a group has assembled to guard the cemetery from evil wrong-doers who wish to come in the cemetery for a night of urinating on, licking, and humping the tombstones located there.

If you watch out closely for these things while pledging different ghost hunting groups, rest assured you will find yourself in a world class investigation unit, worthy of global attention for outstanding documentation and ethics in paranormal investigations. Good Luck!!!