Scott L's Guide To Conducting A Haunted House Investigation....

**Originally Written On Thursday, November 06, 2003

I thought I would share part #3 in my series of satirical discourses I wrote a couple of years ago. Remember, This is a satirical discourse. So please do not actually do any of this stuff!!! :) :)

Ahhhhhh, a haunted house.......As my partner Doug "Foshizlemuahfizzletizzlenizzle" Semig says, "The Holy Grail Of Ghost Hunting". There is nothing quite as exhilarating as getting access to someone’s private property which has been said to have paranormal activity (legally or not). But there are a lot of things you and your crew of "hawd-coe" ghost hunters consisting of your crippled brother, girlfriend/boyfriend and that bum that hangs out at the gas station down the street are going to have to prepare for and be ready for in order to execute and complete a successful investigation of a creepy, spooky, haunted house......

1) First thing you are going to want to do is get the "411" (that's information, to you less-hip folks) on the purposed location most likely given to your Sister's friend's Father's Uncle who used to mow the yard of someone's Grandmother who used to live there. Make sure your information is reliable. A good way to test this is by probing the person relaying this information to you. Here is a good example of how the conversation should go to illustrate what I am talking about:

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Shit-heel Location Informant: "Dude!! You have to check out this place I heard about man!!!"

You: "Why? What is up with it?"

Shit-heel Location Informant: "Dude!! Like, it is totally crazy in there!! My buddy heard about this empty house, so he took his girlfriend there to #$^!#$^$ and as they were drinking some beers a piece of the ceiling tile fell on the other side of the room and scared the hell out of them. The place is haunted I tell you!!

You: "Where is it at?!?! Let's Go!!"

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As you can see, in-depth probing of the informant will gather you enough information as to weather the place may be truly haunted or just an old dilapidated house not worthy of investigation.

2) The next step would be to consider or not to consider getting permission to enter and/or go on the property in question. To learn how to follow the standard channels and legally try to enter private property, read on. To say $#^$#! it, and just break into the place, please go to article no. 3.

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Well, I see you are a total lame ass because you wanna actually read on here and try to "legally" get permission to investigate someone's property. Where are your balls?? You call yourself a true ghost hunter?? What?! Aren't you man enough to kick in a few doors? Who gives a damn anyway? It is not your property. Go to article no. 3 before I set your malnourished cat on fire and kick your parents.

3) Chances are, even if you try to contact the owners of the property that the, in most cases, abandoned house is on, they will tell you to piss off after you tell them what you would like to do. They do not want the word of a haunting on their property if they are trying to sell it. Who needs them, just go there anyway one night and check the place out. Look for the weak spots that you can get in easily, if you can't find any, just kick the ???ing door in. Like, I said.....who cares? It is not your property anyway.

4) Once you manage to get access to the place, you will wanna do a "search and destroy" or in the militaries constant struggle to water down our language "clean and sweep" of the property to chase out any rats, stray dogs or cats, sheep, or crack heads that may be squatting on the premises. They need to go ASAP, because they can get in the way and they can also contaminate the "conclusive evidence that dust will float in the air if a group of people stomp through an abandoned house" your cameras will be picking up while you all hide out back smoking cigarettes.

5) You are going to want to thoroughly explore the house for "hot or cold spots" or odd smells. You may or may not find these. If you do, please refer to rule .3 in my "Guide To Joining A Ghost Hunting And Paranormal Research Group". If you do not, just brew up a nice juicy fart and that should cover the "hot spot" and the "odd smell", again, refer back to rule .3 in my "Guide To Joining A Ghost Hunting And Paranormal Research Group" after you have executed the nice juicy fart.

You are going to want to use extreme caution while exploring the premises. Years of weathering, natural or not, will leave an abandoned house in shambles which also leaves a lot of things to trip over, poke an eye out, or impale yourself on, so be careful!!! Same rules apply though; if you see something blocking your path, just kick it out of the way. It is not yours anyway, so who cares, and it also makes you look real buff in front of the ladies. :)

6) It is very important to note that regardless of the fact that this house has been abandoned, and the windows have been knocked out for umpteen billion years, exposing itself to the natural elements of rain, snow, and other natural disasters, how strange it is how everything is so "old" looking.

7) In the course of the investigation you may come across an article such as a shoe, or an old doll for example that would look great on the hood of the car on cinder blocks in your front yard. Feel free to take any articles you want from the premises. You already have committed breaking and entering; you might as well commit burglary too.

8) From the montage of rustling and sounds of breaking glass, you may get the attention of a nosey neighbor around the vicinity of the investigation who may call the police after seeing what looks to be a rave going on inside of the abandoned house from the constant flickering of flashing lights, and try to ruin your good time.....I mean serious paranormal investigation. Chances are, you are going to be too pre-occupied with trying to figure out how the night vision works on the stolen camera you just got from Bruno's pawnshop to notice the Cops "rollin up on yo azz", so you are going to have to figure out your course of action after you hear a loud speaker outside saying "COME OUT OF THE HOUSE WITH YOUR HANDS UP!" Here is a list of possible things you and your subordinates can do to get out of the "hot water" so to say:

--A) Explain to the cops that you are part of an elite anti-terrorist group and you were making sure that this house was not being used to harbor terrorists.

--B) Grab your girlfriend and explain some evil troll kidnapped her and brought her here, you were simply rescuing the woman you love with the help of your friends.

--C) Scoop up the crack head you beat up upon entering the house and offer him as a trade for your freedom.

--D) Take the same crack head and plant the eighth of weed you were going to smoke down after the investigation on him, then announce a citizens arrest.

--E) Try tossing out the name of a cop you partied with 4 years ago from God knows what jurisdiction hoping someone knows him/her.

--F) Rub dirt all over yourself and as you come out say "You guys are too late! We just put the fire out!"

--G) Take your chances and run like hell, hoping you do not get caught and the camera crew from "COPS" is not following behind the officers.

Follow these guidelines and rest assured, you will be collecting evidence of paranormal occurrences like Hugh Hefner collects panties. If the inevitable does happen though, at least you will have plenty of ghost hunting equipment to trade in return for your life or precious anal virginity during your stay at one of our countries fine concrete country clubs.