I have for a very long time had an open journal on Yahoo 360.  Though I have many friends there I opt to come here because everyone is so openly accepted and unjudged.  However I visit there and I go back and read my blogs and it helps sometimes to put things in a better prospective for me.  Oddly I ran across this blog that I want to share with you all.  I wrote this blogs about a month or two before my son died.  Funny how we have insight that we don't realize that we have until it hits us in the face. 

Fates Manipulation

I have come to use this Blog Page as My Open Journal.    So I am hoping that those that may read this will not feel that I am being too impulsive or irratic with my writing.  That is what I do, I write.  I have heard that in everyone of us there is a one good book pertaining to our lives, mine however I feel could become a collection of many books. 

It is funny how life can turn on a moments notice and everything that you thought was,  is not.   People you thought you knew are not what they say they are and don't feel what they say they feel.  Dreams die, hopes are lost and the euphoria that you feel suddenly crashes becoming nothing more then a painful memory.  How simple the explanation is then that fate has been the culprit and this was your life destiny for that space of time.  Makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time.  I think then why do we work so hard at coming into these phases of our life if at a moments notice, FATE then makes our choice as to weather it continues or stops.    My life is then just an insignificant spot on a map that chooses its own direction. 

Believe me when I say that I am trying so hard to find optimism in my life but right now there is none for me personally.  I seem to always love and always lose.  My FATE, I suppose.  I am reminded of the words of Job, "The thing I have feared the most has come upon me."   However I don't hold malice, ill contempt or anger  towards any person.  You see this is their FATE as well.  I am laughig right now at myself for holding on and believing that I could have anything but what I already have.  Short lived and pleasant situations to add to the biography of my life.   Maybe one day I will compile all these and write that book that is within me... it would definitely make for some interesting reading.

I have few goals in life, none of which contain the desire for material possesions.  Our lives are but temporary here in this world and my desire is to love and be loved while I am here.  Fate has not chosen for me to have that in this life as of yet.  My hope is not dead, I will continue to strive forward, to better my education, to write as I feel, to paint in expression and allow whatever love comes into my life for however long it may be allowed to stay. Don't think I write for pity I detest the thought of that.   My thoughts are only mine and I share them as I will.  Be happy for me because there are still the mysterys of life ahead and though FATE picks and chooses I will experiance them in their fullness til I am no longer.  I am sad at the moment but as always happiness will come when I least expect it.