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Viewing 1 - 7 out of 7 Blogs.
Its been awhile since i been here on the site and man i miss the visits. I keep promising i'll not blog personal again, buts its been one of those months. I got fired from my job of 6 years on the 15th of Oct. felt real crappy, yet relieved at the same time. I worked for the proverbial man...big bussiness coporate bullstein, I watched the "let go's" for 6months...and rode the employed wave for 7 seconds with only minor bucks. Watched friends get severance packages, and some just dropped for "the com[any" thinking DAMN, thats not fair....after 3 rounds I was still gettin paid....then BAM yeah......i was that one without the severance option.....yet id been there since the dooors opened in 2002 beauty thing is....im sooo much less stressed now. iget to see my kids everyday. its really nice to not having to worry about the axe no more....well kinda im getting evicted...but fighting hard. lifes just been kinda nuts...but im feeling optimistic. and i miss you guys here. you were my feet in the last 6 months of all this stress. thank you alll here...you guys deserve an explanation of people going MIA on you. prayers would be awsome, very awsome, but igot me some hope...... anyhow... IM BAAAAACK!~!!
Today is one of those surreal and off days for me, it is every year. I love this time of year so much, always have, but it is also the worst time of year for me as well, as my life changed so much during this time of year. Today is my sons birthday, and he would be 9 years old today. Its hard to think about it even now. I miss him so much and it isnt fair that he died. He was only 2 months and 5 days old, jsut a baby, and my first child.His name was Stefan. Its even harder to think about how much pain i went through after, jsut wanting it to change, to not be true, jsut wanting to be dead instead. It was such a low time, and I gave up. As much as I used to wish he was still here, I understand that if he was, nothing in my life would be the same. I wouldnt know my husband. I wouldnt have my 3 beautiful children. This sometimes makes me feel guilty, like i would choose them over him, but thats not the case. It was really hard for me to move forward in the whole process. death is funny that way, grips your heart with such a weight that it takes every ounce to move forward past it. But in order to complete the "circle" you have to. its a challenge, but it all happens for a reason, its all part of the circle. When I lost stefan i didnt want to go anywhere, i holed up in my house. With some of the life insurance i bought a computer. It was on that computer that I met my future husband. he moved down here from texas to be with me. My husband gave me 3 beautiful kids and that is how i am here where i am today. When my daughter was a couple months old, my husbands grandma became very ill. this is the woman that had raised him for a while in his life, who he had not spoke to in about 10 years. he was actually pretty much not talking to anyone in his family at that time. we sold that computer to get to vegas to see her before they took her leg. she got to meet his daughter, and tehy made amends. when she died a month later, that had opened doors for him to rekindle a relationship with his family.....our lifes are better...Its all part of the circle.. and I cant help but feel some kind of comfort in knowing that circle included Stefan in such a big way. A friend I met on here also has helped me find a source of comfort in all this pain. I have always thought of him as a baby, becasue he died when he was a baby. She asked me why i didnt think he would grow up somehwere else...and i didnt have an answer. Today I have spent the day thinking about him as a 9 year old, playing at a birthday party with other 9 year olds, and it has been an amazing thing for me. I hope somewhere he is celebrating as 9 year olds do...And i hope he knows how much i love him. I wanted to share this today, as in the past I have been very quiet about all this, its taken me many years to get through this day comfortably without wanting to give up. I wanted to celebrate with him today, and who better to celecbrate with then the people here who understand the lines between life and death. Happy Birthday Stefan. I miss you.
The activity in the house had been fairley quite for a while, not gone, but not constant either. That is until the other day, 9/11 to be exact. Me and my husband were playing a video game together in our bedroom on the computers, and the kids had come in. my son was sitting on the floor in front of my dresser in my room, my youngest daughter was in the doorway between the bathroom and our room (same side of the room as the dresser) and my oldest was on the bed with me. my husband had a table and a chiar set up next to the bed, and the dresser and my son were behind him. Well we were jsut sitting there and the dresser came crashing forward, spilling all the crap off the top of it and falling almost on top of my son, cept my husband threw his arm out and it didnt smash him. this is a very strange thing to happen, as first off, NEVER has this happend. i have had this dresser since i was 7 years old, never once has it "toppled". second, its sturdy. we checked afterwards to see if maybe my son had bumped it or something, there is no way. I had to pull hard from the back to make it fall forward. Also, when we were setting it back up, it didnt want to go. we cleared everything off the floor, and it was almost like it was resisting going back to its spot. then it all of a sudden did, and the chaos was over. The room wasA mess( this dresser had papers and crap on it...) but we went back to game, both jsut looking at eachother like "wtf?". Now, as I mentioned in my other blog, there has been a lot of fighting in the house lately. Me and my husband are struggling to get along, but the stress and everything is causing a lot of arguments. Considering this, could it be something in our energies that has changed the activity? or is it possible that the change in our energy has caused the attemtion seeking to become more "in your face"? I mean they have moved furntinture before, but never tried to hurt anyone in the process ya know? Its all very strange to me. I should mention later that night ( after a HUGE fight between me an my hubby) we were talking it through, and from the same corner that dresser is in, there was the OBVIOUS sound of breaking glass, but nothing there was broke. This was early in teh morning, not my kids, and was very loud in the room. Almost like it broke on the dresser...still no broken glass. I am just very perplexed and puzzled by this new behaviour.
Tags: Activity
After a couple months of not participating much here, Im finally coming out of my silent observing phase and speaking out. Oi Vay! where do I even begin...My life lately has been spiraling downward, with increasing speed. I jsut keep flapping my arms hoping for some resistance to slow it down. Im not gonna go into tons of deatils on this, cause honestly I jsut want out of this bottomless depression so I can start breathing again, but I will say that I have lsot my car, and my marriage is more than on the rocks...I have this just hot flash of anger that keeps rising up from my guts that is very new and strange to me as I am usually the anti anger, and so Its jsut been a jumble of confusion in my mind. Thing is, I want to come up out of all that, rise again, and Im trying but jsut like in anything there is good days and bad days.....Im ready for more good ones.
Its not all bad experiencing this though. I mean I am writing more....looking inside myself more. Its crazy how long its actually been since I had meditated...and i find myself doing that again. I guess i jsut have the humdrum blahs...some positive energy sent my way would be much appriciated..And I promise to not write anymore depressing blogs. I jsut needed to speak it out to get it out.
Ok, so a couple weeks ago a friend was over who is very skeptical about anything paranormal, and of course we were discussing some of the activity that had been going on in the house, and he was going on saying why hasnt he ever experienced anyhting, when all of a sudden in the kitchen came a blinking light. It was a toothbrush sitting on the stove. The toothbrush is one of those that blinks jsut long enough so kids know how long they should be brushing...and it was jsut sitting on the stove going off. It caught us off guard of course, especially since we had been in the kitchen not even 15 minutes before, and there was no toothbrush in there. that stupid toothbrush would stop...then like 15 mins later go off again, and this went on for a while..then no more blinking lights. This isnt that strange of a thing to happen in my house, so i really didnt thihnk anymore of it til later in the night when i got up to go to the bathroom, and that toothbrush was laying on the bathroom floor- blinking its brains out.
Ok, so that was an interesting night, and I believed that it was supposed to be validation for my skeptical friend so it was kinda neat and i was really excited about it. Then after that, teh activity in the house started to slow down a lot. There was a diffrent feel even to the air in there, hard to explain but it was diffrent. Then in the last couple nights it seems to have picked up again, which is fine by me cause its been there since we moved in and it doesnt really bother me. however last night, was relaxing watching heroes (trying to watch the series again before the 3rd season comes ou :P )and I got up to get a drink of water. walked into the kitchen- nad believe it or not that damn toothbrush was sitting by the sink blinking again! I woke my husband up and made him come watch. It stopped and then started right back up. Did it about 3 times, then stopped for the night. Now the strangest part about this is those toothbrushes reside in a cabinent in my bathroom....I have no idea how they are even getting into the kitchen- I mean yes I have kids, but where this one was sitting this time they cant even reach...not even close. Its puzzling and exciting to me. Just wanted to share!
I was so happy yesterday, as my schedule at worked finally changed from the godawful hours of 6:00 -5:00 pm to 8:30 am-7:30 pm.....and I was gonna get 2 extra hours of sleep!! So there I was all snuggled in my bed and the front door starts pounding off the hinges. I drag myself outta bed, and its a police officer causing all the ruckus. He asks me if the van out front is mine, and I groggly answer yes, because it is. He then proceeds to tell me it was jsut involved in an accident- with a schoolbus. I look around and sure enough he has a bus pulled over, with about 20 little heads peeking out the windows. Apparently this bus sideswiped my van taking my mirror out in the process. Now Im not sure if any of you have been involved in an accident before even waking up, but if you havent, let me tell you-not a great way to start your day.
The worst part is all the irony behind this. I jsut got my van back from the shop less than 2 weeks ago after the engine blew and i dropped 2300 bucks on it to make it work again. all that time and money and having to drive a friends car to and from work...and the ecstacy of getting it back finally only to wait a week for a bus full of kids to put it back in the shop..And you cant forget of course this was the first day of my new schedule- normally I am gone WAY before buses come by my house...talk about murphys law
Im going to apologize up front for this here as it really has nothing to do ghosties or investigating, its just me blowing off some well built up steam, so again, I apologize.
I have worked at my job now for 5 years. This job used to mean so much and now I barely can muster up the gumption to even get up and come here anymore.I do technical support, and they are constantly changing what things I support, adding paperwork to the mix and really jsut anoying me in all ways possible. Co-workers who I never had a problem with are DRIVING ME INSANE. I actually have been thinking very hard about this, and I think Im ready to stay home for a while with my kids. Now, that being said I need to mention the one little fact that right now I am the breadwinner in my household, and my hubby is my housewench(sorry, pet name). This has been working pretty well for the last couple years, but I feel like I dont ever have enough time to do anything I want to do, because Im either here all the time(work that is) or at home trying to unwind from here (again, here being work). I feel like teh job I loved loved loved for so long is now sucking my life out and its not a pretty site. I hope my husband finds a semi decent job soon or I am defintaly going to go postal....
*sigh*
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